G’day Goonhammer readers! The silliest of seasons is fast approaching and we, Cytoplasm and Urr, have crawled out of the gum tree to provide you, dear readers, with the inside knowledge on where to spend your precious vacation time in the lands of Pannithor. Whether it’s winter getaways or sunny beaches, we will have you covered for all your holiday needs.
Cruise the Infant Sea with (Dictator) Class
Embark on the cruise of a lifetime on a Dictator class ship through the breathtaking Infant Sea, where history, culture, and natural beauty come together. Brought to you by the Hegemony of Basilea, this travel package has it all:
- Unexplored Gems: the coastline of the Infant Sea has no shortage of ancient ruins and remnants of great civilizations that were consumed upon its creation. The locals can be charming, but lack the niceties of civilization, so don’t forget your sword and shield!
- Enchanting Islands: this inland sea is dotted with islands, which actually used to be the tops of mountains, with whole communities lost to the sinking depths… but don’t think about that, have another rum!
- Onboard Luxury: relax in your assigned hammock as the waves rock you to sleep. There is the option to upgrade to cabin quarters, however this does require connections with Hegemony, and a short 10-15 year processing time.
If you’re excited to sail, be sure to use code CANNONFODDER to get your complimentary crossbow and saber upon sign-up.
Take the (Cold) Plunge in Chill
Contrary to the name, Chill is anything but. The largest and most populous city of the northern lands of Nordgared, it boasts a fantastic mix of people and cultures brought together by Prince Talannar Valellion. Coincidentally, they are the sponsor of this holiday package, so get ready for the adventure of a lifetime:
- A Sprawling Metropolis: It’s no secret that the Northern Alliance have recently emerged from a vicious invasion by the Abyssal Dwarfs. Luckily for you, reconstruction has been ongoing, resulting in the Northern Alliance’s fascinating blend of architectural styles for the many peoples of the country. You, too, can be part of the rebuild, so don’t forget to pack your tools!
- Hit the Slopes: the mountains surrounding the city offer easy access to everybody’s favourite winter sports, and beautiful cross-country skiing across pristine snow covered tracks. Skate on frozen lakes, and watch the locals brutalise each other with their famous ‘Hockey’. Just don’t join in unless there’s a healer handy!
- Relax in Nature: for those who can’t handle the pace of Chill, why not take a break? In a secluded cabin getaway, enjoy hot saunas and refreshing snow in tranquility. Sip mulled cider and listen to the soft breeze through the snow-laden forest that almost sounds like “Korgaaan… Korgaaaaaaaaaan”.
His highness Prince Talannar is so keen for our readers to see Chill for themselves, he’s providing free tickets. Simply use the code ELVENHOLMESUCKS to get a one-way ticket to Nordgared.
Dead Set on Ophidia
The ancient and everlasting Kingdom of Ophidia straddles the River Ophid, possessing some of the greatest monuments constructed in Pannithor. Don’t let their rampant use of necromancy put you off, as this is easily the adventure package of a lifetime (or more!):
- Unparalleled Relaxation: the vast majority of the labour force is made up of the tireless undead, so you’ll never have to lift a finger while luxuriating by the pool. Try not to look too relaxed lest a necromancer-priest try and “revive” you, as the process is known to be quite unpleasant.
- Awe-Inspiring Architecture: marvel at the sheer size and workmanship of the three-sided pyramids as you make your way through the bustling streets of Khe-Luxam. Please do not take pictures of the caretakers, they consented to resurrection, not your Instagram.
- Cruise Down the Ophid: Travel like a God-King down the River Ophid, complete with shaded cabins lavishly furnished in the style of the southern kingdoms. If you do travel too far south, do not accept cocktails from the Ahmunites! They haven’t had taste buds for more than 2000 years!
If this has you excited for the desert kingdom, then make sure to use the code SUMMERNEVERENDS for bonus travel insurance to cover lost luggage, locust plagues and death.
Foodies Paradise in the Shires
Newly independent from the League of Rhordia, the Halfling Shires have a fascinating history and culture and blah, blah, blah; we know what you’re here for – FOOD! It’s no secret that the Halflings are masters of the culinary arts, and a trip to the Shires and other Halfling settlements is to travel to worlds unseen. To taste it all, make sure to go to these places above all:
- Heap on the Hodenburgers: The capital of the Shires, Hodenburg boasts the latest in Halfling food innovation. While many would be drawn to the classic meatballs for which Hodenburg is named, the brand new Hodenburger is a sensation that cannot be missed. Two all-gor patties, special saucery, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
- Historical Flavours in Yangmere: It all started in Yangmere when the Halflings settled down, and some of the earliest dishes still survive to this day! Live like a Halfling that’s just figured out agriculture by feasting on unseasoned, overcooked rabbit or a paste made of crickets and berries. Just make sure to know where your nearest gastromancer is.
- The Ej City of Spice: Some Halflings retained their migratory nature and made it all the way to the Elven city of Ej, where the spices are some of the hottest in Pannithor! Aeronaut chillies in particular will burn going in and out. You might just see how the Ej Grenadiers take off!
This is but the tip of the spice-berg when it comes to Halfling cuisine, each town and village has different delicacies and flavours to offer, so long as your gut can handle it! Put in the code ITCOMESINPINTS to get complimentary drinks with each meal!
The Abyss Has It All
Deep beneath Pannithor and slightly outside of it sits the Abyss, a seven-circle subterranean wonderland! Despite first impressions, the Abyss is a wildly popular travel destination with folks from across Pannithor ending up here (for eternity). The sheer variety of experiences on offer boggle the mind (and soul), and here’s just a few:
- Breath-taking Landscapes: the warping realities of the Abyss produce an ever-changing diversity of stunning vistas; castles of fire, clouds of ice and flowing rivers of despair. It’s a good thing the scenery is never the same because a typical holiday here usually lasts a lifetime(s).
- Expert-guided Tours: the denizens of the Abyss are highly experienced tour guides for all those who visit their blasted realms. Not only will they regale you about what awaits, but are more than capable of demonstrating death-defying stunts on you. Truly, you’ll be amazed that you are still alive (in a sense).
- Expand Your Horizons: your time in the Abyss need not be typical; every now and again a lucky visitor throws off their shackles, lays waste to the weak, breaks through the layers of reality, challenges the great Archfiends and returns to the mortal world a conquering demigod of colossal strength and influence. You’ll be home in no time!
There’s so much more to do in the Abyss than we have covered, but that’s also because writing such things would cause irrevocable damage to our psyche. For a free upgrade to premium rags and loincloth, make sure to use the code NAUGHTYLIST.
Travel Pannithor Today!
This is but a glimpse of all the excitement that the world of Pannithor has to offer. If any of these destinations tickle your fancy, then be sure to head over to our (non-existent) travel partner for the best deals. Unfortunately, there are delays on interplanetary travel to Pannithor, so if you’re not already there you may need to wait at least a century for the next planar crossing. Watch out for Void Lurkers, and enjoy your holiday!
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