Our tour of Ashes continues with a visit to the Bayou.  Last time we visited the soaring Ten Peaks and met the new Arcanists; this time, we’re going down to the swamp and rooting around in the muck.

Barrelby

In addition to the double-keyword models and Versatile enforcer, the Bayou have been graced with four new Jockeys.  This hopefully wasn’t too much of a surprise, because the Jockeys are based on the riders from Wyrd’s board game Bayou Bash (which is great, for the record), and its expansion Hog Wild added four new racers.

Barrelby, our first new Jockey, joins the Tri-Chi faction and rides a Whiskey Gamin.  As you might remember from last time, Jockeys are all 6-cost Enforcers (except for Bo Peep, who’s a Henchman) with Ramming Speed, which takes their Stat 5s up to Stat 6 and lets them build in a suit of their choice when they charge.  The rest of the rules are a crapshoot; Barrelby has crappy Df and not-great Wp, but does have Armor and access to Shielded (at the cost of Staggering himself) to gain some survivability.  He also has High Tolerance, reducing Poison damage taken to 0, although outside of specific matchups this is mostly a flavor ability because he doesn’t gain any benefit from being Poisoned.

Barrelby’s melee attack is passable, though a 0″ engage hurts.  There’s some minor synergy here, since it Staggers its target and thus makes it easier for him to hit them with his ranged attack, Barrel Blast, which doesn’t do great damage but does have blasts on moderate and severe and pushes all models damaged around.  His bonus action, Asleep at the Wheel, is actually pretty good – sure, if you Staggered yourself to gain shielded it’s only a 3″ push, but that Shielded absorbs the damage and a free push is a free push.  The Scrap is cute, but really the only way you’d ever use that is if you’re running Cooper Jones to make Whiskey Gamin, which isn’t really a strong thing to be doing.  So if you really want to do that, take Barrelby, but otherwise I’d skip him – he just doesn’t do much.

Drumstick

Big Hat’s Jockey, Drumstick, is speedy at Mv 6 with Flight, and Bayou Two Card is actually a great ability here – it means you don’t necessarily need to waste a card on him.  His melee attack is pretty good, too: a 2/3/4 is whatever, but Heave is a really strong trigger, and Drumstick can build it in – and with Flight, 6″ of movement and a 1″ engage, he can actually position himself where he needs to go.

His Fan on the Track bonus action is situationally very strong, too.  Bayou Gremlins suck, but a 6 stone enforcer that summons a model per turn with no flip required is not a common thing, and even in the fail case Bayou Gremlins are worth a card when they die.  In Big Hat, this ability takes on great relevance, since the Bayou Gremlin Drumstick summons can take hits for him using Old Cranky’s “You Can Handle It, Sonny,” which makes Drumstick way harder to remove.

I even like his ranged attack: 10″ range plus a marker width plus 1″ is a long, long way to be able to remove Scheme Markers, and with Som’er2 he even gets Ransack!

I think Drumstick is very good in Big Hat crews, and probably hireable outside of them in specific circumstances (that is, when you really want to Heave someone, perhaps into a pit trap).  That’s already above most Jockeys, so well done, bird man.

Squish and Squash

Squish and Squash, sadly, are not so lucky.  Kin is in a pretty rotten place right now, having eaten massive, card-wrecking nerfs to its three top performers one right after the other.  This model doesn’t do much to change that.  Flinch is fine on the Kin, who mostly have The Bigger They Are to compensate for their low stats, but Squish and Squash are likely to just get, well, squashed if anything looks at them funny.  Especially if they’re paying health to Stampede and/or Leap Frog.

Menacing Croak is a pretty bad action on everyone who has it, especially needing a nine to go off.  Leap Frog is cute, but you will often just kill yourself by doing it too often, and it’s hard to think of a circumstance where you need this underwhelming performer to cross the board.  Their attack, Lickety-Split, is kind of cute, especially since you can build in “Kissed By a Prince” on the charge and heal a friendly while pushing them 2″, but that’s just not that impressive a trick and it seems to be the only thing this model does.  Pass, sadly.

Toast

I really want to like Toast.  Just look at that design!  And frankly, I think… maybe it gets there?  It’s slow, yes, but All-Terrain Turtle is worth a 6″ push every turn, and ignoring models and terrain makes Toast even more maneuverable than some faster models.  And, importantly, it’s Sz 2, which means Skeeters can ferry it around.

That matters a lot! If you can compensate for Toast’s low speed, the card has a lot going for it.  Showboating is a great rule that makes models more usable by letting you cheat without regret, and with Armor it’s reasonably durable, especially with Infamous’s patented Sputtering Exhaust clouds providing it with Concealment.  You Take the Wheel! is a bit odd on a Mv 3 model, but given that All-Terrain Turtle is a 6″ push, not an up to 6″ push, sometimes you’ll need to slightly correct your positioning, and getting a free Interact is nothing to sneeze at.  (Well, not totally free… but you know what I mean).

I even like Toast’s attacks.  Catch in the Treads is great (and another source of maneuverability), though in practice you’ll usually build in Slander because Slobberknocker is just so tough to pull off.  The Flamethrower is ok, held back a bit by Stat 5, but if your opponent bunches up you can punish them for it.

Does it add up?  Not sure.  I often find that 6 stones is a reasonable size for a slot-in in Infamous lists, which is where I see myself trying this guy.  I don’t think he gets there without the Skeeter lift, but with it… maybe.  Shame he’s not a Construct so Earl could heal him…

Bashe

Deep in the Bayou, the great white gator Bashe’s rule is unchallenged.  Bashe is bigger, tougher, older, meaner, and hungrier than any other beast of the Bayou, and given the general background level of big, tough, old, mean and hungry gators, that’s really saying something.  What most folks don’t know, though, is that a fragment of the Tyrant December’s essence has embedded in Bashe, giving him his legendary ferocity and insatiable hunger.

Bashe is about an unsubtle as a model gets.  He’s a huge, mean beatstick that will chomp whatever he gets his hands on.  He’s a fat wallowing beast at Df 4, and the lack of any Armor, Shielded, or Hard to Wound gives me pause, but fourteen health is a ton.  That’s about at the level where, even with Focus, even with lots of AP, your opponent is going to have a tough time killing him in one activation – and if they don’t, they’ll regret it.  It’s hard to ignore Bashe; he’s not put off by severe terrain, can’t be pushed out of the way, and doesn’t give a toss about Terrifying or Manipulative.  (His own Terrifying is neat, but it’s not really defensive tech – at best it’ll stop the opponent tossing opportunistic attacks on him).

Bashe’s issues are twofold.  First, his attack is fine, but that’s it.  Stat 6 3/4/5 is, as I’ve said before, the baseline for a beatstick, but that’s it – a baseline.  Bashe doesn’t have Flurry, Trail of Gore, or any other way to reliably get extra attacks or damage in.  He has Onslaught, but it’s not suited, and he doesn’t have Critical Strike or Armor Piercing to punch through armored targets.  He heals himself well if your opponent fails to kill him, but again, not super reliably – he needs a corpse nearby or some Rams in his hand.

Second, Bashe isn’t really bringing anything new to the faction.  Bayou’s 10-stone beaters are an embarrassment of riches: Aunty Mel, Mancha Roja, even the Whiskey Golem for one stone more.  Bashe is more of the same, but he’s not significantly killier than any of them, and he is significantly easier to hit.  His Slow synergy is kinda nice, given the amount of Sharp Wit in the faction, but it’s really meant for December lists.

I do like his bonus action, but again, marker removal is not something Bayou struggles with, and the fact that the action is so dependent on its trigger – and he has no way to build in a suit – makes it unreliable.

I think Bashe is great in December crews, since that Keyword doesn’t really have a killer beatstick, and Sightless Snow’s ability to channel her attacks through Beasts has a natural friend in Bashe.  (He really likes her Coordinated Attack, too).  In Bayou, though, I think you can do better.

Jebediah

The Joneses and the Tuckets have been a-fightin’ and a-feudin’ since as long as anyone can remember, and the conflict has reached a fever pitch under Som’er and Mah.  Jebediah Jones doesn’t share his patriarch’s rivalry with the Tucket clan – Jeb just wants to tinker, and the Tuckets are the best tinkers in the Bayou.  So he tries to avoid all the fighting, instead selling gizmos to both sides and hoping they leave him alone.

Jeb is great, easily the best new Bayou model.  Unsurprisingly for a Bayou model, his stats aren’t great, though he does have Armor +2.  I’d be cautious relying on that, since Armor isn’t as good defensively as it once was, but with Ride With Me Jeb is pretty speedy and thus doesn’t have to present himself.  His front of card reads like a greatest hits of both Keywords’ rules – he’s got Bayou Two Card as a get out of jail free card, Pit Traps and Scamper like Mah and her Bushwhackers, and he even gets a free Gremlin when he dies.

Jeb’s attacks are solid, too.  His melee is just okay, especially at stat 5: This guy does not really want to be near the fighting, though hitting someone and then using Clever Ruse to push them into a pit trap for 3/4/5 and Injured +2 is a backbreaking play.  His gun is where it’s at: 2/4/6 is a great damage track for a crew that can pulse out focus and stack Injured on its targets, and Ricochet is just a nice little bonus.

The action that matters, though, is Scoot and Boot.  90% of the time you will be doing this on a Pit Trap.  It looks like a 6″ push, but it’s a lot more than that – you can push through the Trap and end up with the back of your base just touching its far side, which gets you about 9.5″ of movement (6″ plus 50mm base width plus 40mm base width), then you push the Pit Trap through an enemy, dealing an unresistable damage 1 and injured 1, then you shoot them.  Or charge them, hitting at effective Stat 6 and inflicting more injured.  And if there’s no pit trap to kick into someone’s face, you make one with Ride With Me.  While also bringing Big Brain Brin or a Bushwhacker with you.

Injured stacking is one of the most degenerate gameplay loops in Malifaux, and the hardest part is always getting that first Injured +1 out there, because once you have one you’re likely to get more.  Jebediah gets the first Injured out all by himself, with no interaction possible.  He also follows up really well once a target is injured, with a solid gun that can take big chunks out of people when you’re shooting at an effective stat 7 or 8.

I haven’t even mentioned his summons yet – we’ll get to them.  But suffice it to say that they’re a strong reason to play him all by themselves.

Jeb is basically an upgunned Bushwhacker, and even for two stones more I think I always replace my first Bushwhacker with him.  I’ve heard people talking about slapping a Ghillie Suit on him so he can ferry Mah around, but I don’t like it.  He’s pricey enough as it is, and I think that there are some matchups where he’s unhireable due to the presence of Armor Piercing enemy guns.  He’ll become a staple in Tricksy lists, so you can’t count on people not taking the tech against you.  Beware of Angel Eyes… until she gets nerfed, at least.

Habber-Dashers

Jebediah’s magnum opus is… a hat that shoots you.  Well, it was popular with its target audience, at least.

Habber-Dashers are fun little guys, though I think it’s rare you’ll hire them.  Instead, Jebediah and Som’er1 can both summon them, and will with great frequency.  These guys are amazing summons.  They’re Significant, they draw you a card when they die, they don’t give up activation control, they effectively have three AP a lot of the time, and did I mention they’re Significant?  Because they are.

They’re not even that easy to kill!  They’re unarmored, which is a little surprising, but Disguised and 3hp means that it’ll often take two AP to remove one, which is twice as many AP as they took to create.  And their defensive stats, while bad, aren’t totally rubbish, especially since Bayou Two Card gives you a free mulligan on a bad flip.  Hey, if you’re losing them anyways, right?

Their attacks are very bad, if amusingly named, but who cares?  You’re summoning these things because they’re annoying and because they can eat an enemy Scheme Marker to Scuttle, then Interact and use Hat Trick to turn into a second Scheme Marker for Ensnare.  Be happy with that.

The ability to treat them as Scheme Markers is funny, but probably won’t come up that often.  I think it’s rare that you’ll want to sacrifice them for value.  But when you need it, it’s there.  Plus, they give Som’er2 that all-important +1 damage.

Hog-Oil Salesman

Poor, poor Kin.  From the heights (just after Malifaux Burns) to the depths (pretty much any time since February 2022), the crew has seen their fortunes plummet.  I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you, LaCroix fans – they get two models in this book, and neither of them helps Kin at all.

The Salesman is our first Kin/Pig Enforcer, and folks, he’s bad.  I really wish I could tell you differently because I own and love both of these crews, but this model has me scratching my head.  He has incredibly bad stats, and Flinch is only marginal defensive tech: this thing will go down to a stiff breeze, and his 50mm base makes him impossible to hide.  His front of card is a bizarre grab-bag of abilities; Hog-Oil Oinkment is a fairly marginal benefit that requires you to be near the frontlines, and the combination of On the Move and Ramming Speed suggest that you want to be charging in, but his attack is godawful.  And Stick ‘Em is really a trigger you want to declare on friendlies!

Sales Pitch is as mediocre as bonus actions come, but at 6″ range and enemy only, you’ll rarely be in position to use it without dying.  Finally, “I Need a Volunteer!” is a reasonable action, but it’s really just another TN in a crew already overstuffed with them, and it’s not reliable.  You really want a specific one of these effects, not just whatever your deck feeds you, which means this guy drains resources without really generating any.  The best result, Spiced Coffee, doesn’t even do that much in Pig, where a lot of your crew is Reckless.

Man, I dunno.  I wanted this guy to be good, but he just seems to do a lot of nothing but die.  Paint him up nice and leave him on the shelf.

Swine Twirlers

These guys, on the other hand, are growing on me.  Six stones is a precarious spot for a Minion, since it’s pricey enough that you kind of care if it dies, but as long as your opponent isn’t attacking Willpower the Twirlers are surprisingly resilient.  Their front of card is pretty loaded: Diversion is a rule so strong that a lot of Bayou lists pay two stones just to staple it to a model, and Solicitation is one of those “this model never has to Walk if you’re careful” rules.  “Right This Way!” is actually extremely clutch, since the Pig keyword suffers tremendously from traffic jams caused by Fat Hog Ass.  Gamble is a little bit of an odd man out here, but even that has value: a lot of Pig crews take a Bayou Smuggler to help with the TN problem, and the Smuggler really appreciates having an enemy Scheme Marker around to kickstart the Appraise chain.

Hit With Swine is a flavorful attack action that really should be thought of as a panic button more than anything else.  You don’t want this guy in combat.  Whacked Piglet is much more appetizing, since you can do it from relative safety and the built-in Blaze gives it a bit more kick than it seem (and synergizes very well with Ulix2).  Take by the Hand is the key here, the action that pushes this guy over the top from “meh” to “ok, I’ll try it.”  Not only does it help your unpack, but giving Ulix2 an extra bow shot – or one of his Pigs an extra Focus – is gravy.

It’s a little odd that this guy’s Annoying action requires a flip and a TN, while every other model with that rule just lets it happen, but it’s a terrible action so no great loss, you’ll never do it.  And yes, this guy seems totally built for Pig and doesn’t do anything for Kin.  Odd, but maybe Wyrd has just joined the rest of us in giving up on the LaCroixs until the rework.

Mossbeard

Mossbeard was a “loyal” member of Zipp’s crew… until he fell right off the edge of the Infamy and landed in the sunken lost city of Tsankor S’id.  It’s hard to tell what really happened, since Mossbeard and the truth have only a passing acquaintance, but he spins a good yarn, which is really what matters.  Plus, any doubters get clanged upside the head with Rumsen, his bottle/best friend.

I kind of really like Mossbeard and I’m not totally sure why.  He reminds me a bit of Big Brain Brin (though obviously quite a bit less good), and it’s not just the Sharp Wit.  Rather than do one big thing, Mossbeard does lots of little things, but he does them pretty efficiently.

Starting with his front of card, he has bog- (or Bayou-) standard 5s across the board with 7 health – pretty easy to kill, except of course he’s Hard to Kill.  Paired with the healing he can do and a built in +twist to Df duels from Chum the Waters, he’s actually going to be somewhat frustrating to remove.  “He’s Starting to Make Sense” is sort of a flavor ability, but it will definitely catch your opponent out from time to time.  Importantly, he Showboats, which is a very important ability: it means that you can invest resources in him without actually going down a card, which makes you feel better about taking shots with his Stat 5 range attack.  And his fail case is still “cheat the worst card in your hand on an attack that’s missing anyways to redraw it.”

Sharp Wit is something we’ve seen a lot of, but this one has a decent stat and pretty good triggers.  Harrowing Tale is a bit odd: we’ve seen that on Old Cranky, and it’s not the best attack, though it does seem worse when compared with Molly’s version (which does irreducible damage).  It is noteworthy that, in Infamous, this attack is worse than it looks, because Showboating keeps your hand full.  But, again, the triggers are both quite strong, with Misdirected Rage in particular being a really powerful hit.

His bonus action is pretty simple.  If there’s an enemy nearby, why not, distract them.  But you can also shoot a friendly to get that sweet, sweet healing – especially Ser Vantes, who can’t even gain the Distracted.  Cheat the worst ram in your hand, heal 2, draw a card, do some other stuff – that’s an activation with value.

Haphazard Topography is an action I’ve never loved, but there’s some value in it, especially in a GG with Ensnare (and some other positional marker schemes) in the pool.  The fact that you can Interact and then Topography to pulse out some unresistable Distracted is going to punish crews that aren’t ready for it.  And hey, Gone Fishin’ is always decent.

I think this guy is a lot better in Angler than Infamous, which is odd because Infamous has the Distracted synergy… but he really wants a Tide Marker and he likes having Ser Vantes around to cuss at for free healing.  But I think you can run him in either and not feel bad about it.

Swashbucklers

Mossbeard’s a tough old sod, but even he wouldn’t stay alive long in Tsankor S’id without his loyal crew.  He thinks he was marooned all alone for years and years, and the Swashbucklers are happy not to break his illusion – after all, he’s really good at finding treasure.

Swashbucklers are my kind of model: high risk, high reward.  Let’s start with the bad: 5/5 defensive stats with 6 health is just asking to be splattered.  Anything with a min 3 damage attack splatters these guys, and at 6 stones, they’re pricey enough that you care.

Now, on to the good.  Actually killing Swashbucklers is harder than it looks.  You can’t cheat your melee attacks against them, so you’re at the mercy of the top of their deck.  And that defensive trigger is extremely nasty.  You can charge a Swashbuckler, sure.  But if the top of your deck doesn’t cooperate and the Swashbuckler’s player is holding a high Tome, you are screwed six ways from Sunday.  Your model gets pushed away and Distracted, which means that its activation is effectively over, unless it 1) has a 2″ reach, 2) was in base contact with you, and 3) had a Focus stacked on it even after it swung.  Now that you’re Distracted, the Swashbuckler can attack you, and you’re a negative twist to resist, which means you still can’t cheat.  And once it hits, not only is it chunking you for up to 5 damage, it can make you slow.  So now you’re Slow, Distracted, and engaged, and your next activation is going to completely suck.

That’s the good case for the Bayou player.  The bad case is the attacker flips a 13 off the top and just merks the Swashbuckler, full stop.  See?  High risk, high reward.

There’s more to the Swashbucklers than that, of course.  Boarding Action is a cool rule, and it not being once per turn means that in crews that drop lots of markers, these guys potentially never have to walk at all.  That’s very strong, and it makes me want to play them more in Angler, since all of the incidental Tide Marker creation will make pushing them up the field a breeze.  They’re Unimpeded, too, which is really clutch when it’s relevant.  And Biting Insult is a pretty underrated attack; I don’t think I’d ever take it unless I’m getting the Pass Token, but printing Pass Tokens is very strong.

I like Swashbucklers a lot.  I think they’re a little let down by not reliably having a third AP, though this GG does favor Scheme Markers, so Free Loot will get some play.  And if your opponent has good guns, don’t even bother – just leave them at home.  I think at 6ss they could have gotten Hard to Wound without much trouble, but eh, I’ll still try them out in appropriate matchups.

Hoochdini

More than gators can be found in the depths of the Bayou.  The swamp’s oldest frogs are mean cusses, bigger’n a Gremlin and with skin that oozes toxins.  Cometh the moment, cometh the man (or Gremlin): Hoochdini is not the strongest or bravest or smartest, but he has the unique ability to be swallowed by a frog and not digested.  And that’s worth something, especially to a showman like Wong.

Hoochdini is very cool, and offers a new angle for both of his crews.  He’s surprisingly tough, at 5/6/8, with Butterfly Jump and Evasive; it’s tough to pin this guy down.  He can spend Glowy for suits, but not to reduce damage, but he also has a unique outlet: once per activation, he can increase the range of any of his Actions by 4″.

This is an amazingly versatile ability.  The obvious use case is to “I Need a Volunteer!” from 10″ away, which is an outlandishly powerful thing to do and the headline of his card, but consider your options.  Yes, you can Ale-Drench Blast from 12″ away, but that attack (despite the awesome name) is only so-so: Stat 5 is not impressive, and you really need to hit Severe against a clumped-up crew to do much damage.  But you can, for example, Slam from 5″ away.  You can Assist from 6″.  You can give him Twelve Cups of Coffee and do a Mark Territory with a 7″ radius.  The sky’s the limit!

Prestidigitation is a neat little bonus action, though it’s mostly going to be used to print some Glowy (though if you’re running Hopscotch, that’s a pretty high TN for opponents to resist becoming Distracted).  And Ale-Drench Blast isn’t terrible; you’ll generally want to Focus if you’re using it, but the triggers are pretty good, especially the ability to kidnap an enemy.  One complaint I often have with Wizz-Bang is that the ability to build in triggers with Glowy is more theoretical than actual, since the only model that both 1) can do it and 2) has a variety of useful triggers is Sammy LaCroix.  Alphonse and Bokors generally always build in the one appropriate trigger for the situation they’re in.  But this guy has a lot of neat tricks, and being able to pick two options from a menu of 5 on “I Need a Volunteer!” is really strong.  Having options is great!

One thing to note: in Wizz-Bang, it’s actually pretty hard to give this guy Glowy Tokens, since he doesn’t have Hard Knock Life (and so can’t gain Fast, either) and there’s nothing in the crew that Poisons him.  Keep him near Wong for The Glow.  He will reliably be spending 2-3 tokens per activation, so you’ll have to put some work into keeping him topped off.

Hopscotch

Hoochdini’s pet, partner in crime, and the core of his act, Hopscotch is one of the largest, oldest, and most toxic frogs on the Bayou.  Lick him if you dare, but be prepared to see some shit.

I quite like Hopscotch, though I think I’ll struggle to find a place for him.  He’s surprisingly durable; 5/5 is, as I keep saying, pretty bad, but he’s got a bit of health, he’s Hard to Wound, and he’s immune to (deep breath) poison, shockwaves, blasts, pulses, aura damage effects, and melee attacks from more than 0″ away.  Yeah, a good gun will put the hurt on him, but Hard to Wound is strong in a crew with this much healing (and he’ll heal just from getting Poisoned… which he will definitely stack up high due to Wong’s shockwaves).

All that said, the back of his card is kind of underwhelming.  Creep Along is always nice, being sort of like a Walk action with extra steps, but his Bite is very underwhelming.  Sticky Tongue is why you’re here, but I sort of… don’t love it.  I want to, it’s a cool concept, but it’s very limited (low range, Sz restriction) and hard to utilize.  Triggering Reposition and Sticky Tonguing again is a decent play, but it’s still only Stat 5 (and so will usually be on an even stat or disadvantage), and Wizz-Bang/Tri-Chi crews don’t really need to kidnap enemies.  If you could target something even in Sz this would be a really great play with Swine-Cursed, feeding them Glowy and pulling them up the board, but I don’t really want to give this guy a Ghillie Suit just to enable that play.  Nine stones is a lot.  That’s a whole Alphonse.

I also find it frustrating that this guy doesn’t really have a good way to stack Poison on his buddy Hoochdini.  Not only is it a flavor fail, but it would really encourage you to take the two of them together.

The fundamental problem with these guys, from a Wizz-Bang perspective anyways, is that often the choice will be them or Swine-Cursed.  And Swine-Cursed are some of the best seven-stone minions in the game.  It’s hard to see why I’d want these weird tricks instead of two Fast, nearly unkillable beatsticks.

Heading Down to Brown Town

And that’s the Bayou!  I don’t think there’s anything here as nutty as Ceddra, but there are some cool options, and Jebediah might actually be broken.  We’ll see!  But I’m looking forward to getting these boys and girls on the table.

Join us next time, as we head to Gretchen Janus’s Magnificent Mansion and see what everyone’s favorite club of rich dilettantes is up to.

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