In the Goonhammer Mantic content team, we don’t always live and breathe competitive Kings of War. There’s a strong tradition, dating back to before my time, of seasonal frivolity, where a little bit of whimsy goes into the schedule. Whether this is a way of staying sane through the wait for the next Clash, an ongoing attempt to discover the silliest pitch we can get approved, or just the natural output of a collection of random internet personalities with one shared brain cell is up to you. But today, it’s time for my entry into the fray.
I was gonna do a Top Five, like the other ones. It felt a bit Buzzfeed-y to me, and if there is one thing I am known for, it is never clickbaiting in my life. Then, I considered a ‘what are the spookiest models’ article, but I gotta be real, the scariest one is obvious – it’s just this specific Elf.
So, I settled on a different idea. I’m going to go through the long list of factions, sorting them into givers of Tricks and Treats. This is entirely vibes-based. Because I’m a Brit, the treats will be biased towards our various bland-ass snacks; if you want an American version (or, Korgaan forbid, an Australian version), find another content spewer to make it. Let’s kick it off.
Abyssal Dwarfs – Trick
Obviously the baddies are gonna give us something horrible. A Decimator opens the door. You think he’s gonna shoot you in the face with a blunderbuss, and briefly consider the absurdity of dying to that ‘just as the Founding Fathers intended’ meme. His gun barrel comes up, and… he blasts you in the face with an egg. In the distance, you hear the shrieking of mortar fire – it’s more eggs, hitting your house with precision. Then, to finish the job, he throws a mastiff at you, who replaces the egg on your noggin with doggie slobber. A house to skip next year, you think.
Basileans – Treat
You just know you’re gonna get some kind of obtuse sermon, but instead of them knocking at the door trying to sing the praises of Sp10, at least it’s the other way round this time. A kindly member of the Sisterhood opens the door, and hands you something that looks a bit like a Bounty with white sand in it. You thank her, head on your way, and take a bite. That’s not coconut filling – that’s Basilean Zoomy Powder. The remainder of your journey is now going to be made at Mach 3.
Dwarfs – Treat
Desperate to slow down, you head for the slowest folks around, and only overshoot the door to their hold once or twice – like Elohi, you lack Nimble. The frenetic speed of your knocking brings down a Stone Priest, and though you’re talking at a mile a minute, he sort of gets what you mean, and hands you some kind of rock candy. You bite it. It’s just a rock. Your teeth do not have enough Crushing Strength for this. At least it’s weighing you down enough to slow up, you suppose.
Elves – Treat
Next up are the pointy-ears, and they know you’ve met the Dwarfs first, so they refuse to be outdone. You’re handed an egg, which gives you Abyssal Dwarf flashbacks, but the Elf giving it over is smiling all mysterious-like in a way that makes you think this isn’t necessarily a prank… on you, at least. As you wander away, it starts to shake a bit. You wonder how many steps it’ll take for this one to hatch.
Empire of Dust – Trick
Spooky, scary skeletons,
Go Surgeing in your flanks,
Double’d dice will leech your life,
Without so much as thanks
Better hurry on before their Idol of Shobiscuit gets you.
Forces of the Abyss – Trick
Well, nobody accused these guys of being nice, but you have a secret weapon. Holding up your egg to the fire being breathed on you, it glows with warmth, cracks open, and… a lil’ baby Drakon pops out! Suck on that, you uninspired hell-pastiches, see how it feels when someone else gets a new release! This one may not be really fast (yet), but it’s cute, and happily lets you ride on its back to escape the inferno. And, to top it off, you nab a bag of Mau’ti-sers too.
Forces of Nature – Treat
Off to the land of ‘Hits on 4s’, you’re not sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t a Greater Aero Elemental. No wonder it got an extra attack in Clash ‘25, that thing must be so permanently sugar-high that it’s Ht7. As Aeros are shot at you with hurricane force, you wonder how many other countries are gullible enough to accept chocolate bars where the marketing gimmick is that instead of chocolate, you just get more air.
Free Dwarfs – Trick
After the trees, you really wanna skip this house, but you want as big a haul as you can get. Naturally, you’re punished for your greed – not with some prank or other, but with an endless lecture on how they’re “Free Dwarfs On The Land” and that by giving their names as “Sverri Egilax full stop two capital letters” they magically become immune to any law that comes out of Golloch’s mouth. You briefly wonder whether this also applies to Golloch’s Fury, but decide not to carjack the Dwarfs to test that theory.
Goblins – Treat
These guys seem to have made a head-start on Bonfire Night, and are handing out Bangstiks like there’s no tomorrow – presumably, the old Formation was no longer using them (too soon, Goblin players?). You gladly take one, but, as a Kings of War player, you’ve never rolled a six in your life, so it stays inert. For now.
Halflings – Treat
You’ve clearly caught the Sauceror on a night where he’s rolled all three 4+es on Gastromancy, as their house smells incredible. You’re offered your pick of a Lifeleech Lion, a Milkybarrallying, a Wild Charge Wispa (no thanks, after the Basilean stuff), or a Brutal Boost, and when you pick one, the Sauceror laughs and dumps the others into your basket too. Typical Halflings, handing out rules like candy. Or candy like rules.
Kingdoms of Men – Treat
They give you a Freddo. It’s not much, but you sense it’ll serve as a benchmark of comparison to every other faction. You swear it cost fewer points in 2010, though.
League of Rhordia – Trick
Your cunning scheme of stoking rivalries has worked, but the poor Rhordians don’t really have anything nice to offer. You’re handed some Aralez-branded doggie chocolates* and a 10% off voucher for the Shields of Hetronburg, which sounds uncomfortably like a front organisation for some weird cult, so you smile politely while issuing your legs a Back Order.
*author’s note – it turned out, while writing this, that ‘babe, can you think of any dog-flavoured chocolates’ is not in fact the clear question of ‘what chocolates are nice for dogs’ that I thought it was. Learn from my mistake, folks.
Nightstalkers – Trick
The Nightstalkers are running their usual live haunt experience in their run-down old house, and though you know you don’t stand much chance of a treat, you give it a go anyway. You emerge some time later, with more bite marks than you had to start, and notice that the house seems a little less run-down than it was. Almost like you’ve been Lifeleech’d. In the distance, you hear two Australians roar with rage.
See that? That’s a preview for next week’s article. Marketing!
Northern Alliance – Treat
Of course the favorite children have some lovely icy treats for you. An Ice Elemental with a Flake is your treat, to join your expanding menagerie, if you can avoid eating it for thirty seconds – or causing a diplomatic incident by asking for strawberry sauce.
Ogres – Treat
Hmm, there seems to be an awful lot of Paymasters running around here. Thinking you have the Merc keyword, one of them approaches you, trying to bribe you to replace all the departing Siege Breakers. It’s not a career path you’ve considered, but with the amount of chocolate coins he’s just dumped in your basket, you could maybe be tempted next year…
Orcs – Trick
…wait a minute, this isn’t a house! It’s just a big sign with ‘please just switch to Riftforged’ in big neon letters! It takes more than that to fool you, but you do take a Kinder Buenorc from the bribery bag under the sign.
Order of the Brothermark/Order of the Green Lady – Treat
You’ve learned your lesson from the Basileans, but this time it seems less suspiciously Class-A. Representatives from both orders offer you a KitKat. As you snap it in half, they both adopt thousand-yard-stares, and start muttering about editions past. Fortunately, your author hasn’t been playing long enough to understand why, so your mild confusion passes quickly.
Ratkin – Trick
Yeah, just, no. You’re not dipping into one of their Plague Pots again – last time, you inadvertently got tournaments canceled for ages – and you know their Nerve is gonna be higher than it looks if you try threatening them with tricks of your own. You shamelessly pilfer some Mountain Diew from their fridge and scurry away.
Ratkin Slaves – Treat
From high above, giant, spiked packets of Tunnel Rolos roll towards you, stopping just short of you and your friends. Not exactly graceful, but you’ll take it, and it doesn’t seem like they have much else going for them. They probably won’t be around to give you anything next year anyway.
Riftforged Orcs – Treat
You’re given some chocolate, but it’s on a suspiciously generic sprue. You clip it all out, and see there are variant assemblies, but… it’s all just chocolate. Doesn’t matter how you put it together, it’s going to taste the exact same way. This is probably a metaphor for something about the author building Riftforged Orcs lists, but as an imaginary trick-or-treater, you don’t care about that, and move on.
Salamanders – Trick
Your attempt to deceive them by offering a cheap source of Inspiring falls on deaf ears, and Scorchwings drop flaming eggs on you from high above. Fortunately, your Ice Elemental friend has exactly one shot, which as we all know is enough to Waver a Horde of Scorchwings every time.
Sylvan Kin – Treat
What else but a Picnic bar for the woodland folk? You chill on their forested lawn for a bit, and share commiserations about there not being enough terrain in the middle of the board. Hey, at least they’re probably not running three Elven Yorkie-ngs with entirely too many bow shots now.
The Herd – Treat
Look, you could probably get a treat from these guys, but they’ve suffered enough. You leave them your Ice Elemental and your Drakon, because it’s probably the last new things they’ll see before 4th edition.
Trident Realm of Neritica – Trick
You fool, you absolute numpty, you accepted a pack of Trident gum from these guys? Uh-oh, that was Trident of the Drowned Sea gum, and now your mouth is thoroughly Disordered. Don’t spit it on the floor, though, or it’ll Ensnare your shoes.
Twilight Kin – Treat
If anyone’s going to make the razor blades urban legend a real thing, it’s these guys, but you get the sense it would have been much more painful last month. You take a Dairy Milkael, though – no need to rub salt in the wounds.
Undead – Treat
The Halloween aficionados are always a source of lovely treats, and this year you fancy an old staple – some delicious Revenant Cavramel. Never gets old. You take some time to admire Morgoth’s all out effort on the decorations – at least, you think they’re decorations – and look forward to his upcoming Wight Christmas extravaganza.
Varangur – Treat
The author has had the whole article to think of something, and it’s her own faction, so you assume this will be something good.
Korgaa-Cola.
That’s it. That’s all there is.
Look, it was a miracle I remembered every faction. Quit while you’re ahead. See y’all next time.
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